“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
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5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Sorted
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there