Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

Dead sexy!!