Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

A little too much information.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

Her: Do we have any chicken stock?

Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t