Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

water it, i dare you

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

🤷‍♀️

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed