Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
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birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12