Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
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Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
*checks Timeline*…
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Every
Single
Year
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.