Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.