Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
You Might Also Like
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.