Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
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I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.