Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

Follow me for more life hacks.

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

This will teach them to underestimate me

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*