“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
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one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Y’all know who you are.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?