Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

same energy

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

This is no longer winter this is harassment

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.