“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
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I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Hell yeah 👍
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Single and childfree like Jesus
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”