Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what