“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
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It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I’m confused about plants
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]