Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

I can’t stop laughing at this

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks