6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
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This motel air conditioner has seen some things…
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later