Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

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6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.


This motel air conditioner has seen some things…


By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start


here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.


Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.


I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.


When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?


[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later