Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
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Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question