Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

Storm Tropical Storm

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”