Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.