Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

classic mixup

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

oh no, steve’s working tonight

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

I’m pretty like a car crash.

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

me hitting on a model

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO