“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
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Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
la cocaina
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas