“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
You Might Also Like
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u