Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
You Might Also Like
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My Sentiments Exactly
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Breaking news:
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
They also CAN sing✌️
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”