Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
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I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Does beer think about me too?
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Holy shit he’s back
🤯🤯🤯
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY