Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
You Might Also Like
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.