Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
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My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
had to make it
Got him!
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*