Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

Genius.

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

There are usually two types of merchants.

Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect