“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
