“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
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[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
S O O N
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.