“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Salad is the decaf of food.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
