“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
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When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Terribly Tuesday.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.