“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
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domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
FRED: right
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Couple goals
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
Miscakes
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!