“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
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Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
