“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I was just discussing this with my cat
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!