“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
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Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes