Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

My funeral

My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

Hilarious if literal: arms race

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.