Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
