Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
