Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

Got a light

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

🤣🤣

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.