Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
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I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Jail
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*