“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”![]()
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Born to be mild.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
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we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
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Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food