Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.