Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a self-made hundredaire

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

how do y’all walk in shallow water

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

decorating my apartment

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

All food is good if you spell it wrong

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.