#Caturday
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My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
We’re all getting idioter.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.