Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
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The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Love this guy
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Flock of bats
guys i’ve cracked the code
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm