Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
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Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Yes my dude
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath