Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
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Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
everyone has that one prude friend
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs