Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
