Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
