Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.

13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.

Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?