“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
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At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”