Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

ㅤ

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

🥃

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

Good lord

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice