Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

british sex workers really pound for pound

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are