Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

thanks auntie mary

Challenge accepted.