Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”