Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing

File under excellent bookstore names.

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet