“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
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Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)