“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
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Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.