“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
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[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
me 2 months after i graduated
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Today’s Times
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too