Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

What kind of a cult is this?

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.