Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

respect

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!