Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

Spoiler Alert: I was late

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

BRAKING NEWS!!