Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

me hitting on a model

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.