Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
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“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
🤣😂🤣