Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
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Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
the icebreaker
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.