Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

choose your gary

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

?

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

Customize Your Wedding.

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.