@Angibangie

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

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@MatCro

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

@robfee

The Ghostbusters are women?! This totally compromises the integrity of a story about battling evil marshmallows while dressed like a janitor

@SkippyMcGizzard

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

@KeetPotato

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

@TuSoonShakur

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

@LosLos__

Wife: My family is coming over.
Me: ….?
Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!

@IAmKatieOrr

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*