Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
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Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Lmaoo 😂
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
what’s more important?
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
💁🏻♂️
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula