My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
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The Ghostbusters are women?! This totally compromises the integrity of a story about battling evil marshmallows while dressed like a janitor
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Wife: My family is coming over.
Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease