Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess