Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

❤️❤️❤️

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”