Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

One venti cheeseburger please.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

pictures of spider-man

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

🙄😏😂🤣

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.