Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Fun Things

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape