Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
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I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
crying
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…