@SirEvisiae

Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*

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@MarfSalvador

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

@threetimedaddy

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

@SoniaEryka

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

@i_Lean

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

@SentenceReduced

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

@MattMcElaney

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

@missteenussr

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

@Reverend_Scott

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.