me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
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I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.