Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”