“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
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The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
one last job
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.