“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
