Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
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Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
$4 #usedbooks
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
uncle dave has been through hell
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!