Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

SCARY COSTUME

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

How did girls text before emojis?

Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)