Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

These are so Plastic Man-core

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?

Me: Slept in.

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.